Albert Goodbody, reporter
February 20, 2010
We have learned from informed sources that the ACNU has reached an agreement to drop the suit based upon the Equal Rights Amendment which would challenge and possibly overturn all anti-nudity laws across the county. This would be a long and costly process for all concerned.
In keeping with the compromise the Court has decreed that on National Nude Day, all residents of the US in a public place or anywhere in which they may be seen from any public place must be nude between 10am and 5pm, local times. Carrying a small towel and wearing footwear which does not extend higher than the ankle shall constitute nudity for the purposes of this decree. In the interest of public safety, police officers, firefighters and EMTs will be exempt while actually on duty as will infants subject to sunburn. Also communities in which the temperature does not reach 70F. by 10am will be exempt.
Justice I.M. Sogood commented, “The Court realizes that this decree will be unpopular in some quarters but the law is the law and will be enforced”. The Justice also commented that, “The Constitutional Rights to freedom of self expression do not apply and cannot be used as an excuse for the wearing of clothing on National Nude Day”.
In a related issues, the NY Stock Exchange has reported that share prices of corporations which manufacture suntan lotion began to soar several days before the announcement of this decree. An investigation into the possibility of insider trading has begun.
Gyms and health clubs reported a surge of new memberships. One new patron was quoted as saying, “Well, if I have to be nude, I, at least, want to look my best”. Sales in fast food restraunts serving high caloric food with little nutrition were off sharply as customers flocked to the salad bars.
One comment heard commonly on the street was,” I don’t mind being nude when everone else is but I don’t like the government telling me when to be nude and when to wear clothes”.
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