No jury in the world would convict LaNasa for putting any adult male wearing Crocs out of his misery. It would have been a mercy killing.
Anyone wearing Crocs has two messages for the world - I'm a cheap bast**d and I don't particularly care if my feet smell like a dead goat.
When you folks get smart and make me emperor, woe unto the "man" who comes to court wearing Crocs or clogs. As a matter of fact, since it will only be about a year before everyone comes to the realization that neither the Democrats nor the Republicans are the answer to your prayers and you demand my ascending to the throne (we'll have to buy a throne), here is a list of everything that will be prohibited:
* Crocs on anyone over fourteen, any type of clog on males over that age. You're not European, so knock off pretending and just admit that you're gay.
* Earrings on men unless the wearer can prove gypsy (Roma) ancestry or that he is currently employed as a pirate, in which case a single gold hoop may be worn. It better be real gold, too.
* Hair longer than collar length on any guy over 50 and ANY guy with a noticeable bald spot, regardless of age. Wrinkles and ponytails are a bad combination, Pops, and no woman ever said that Gallagher was a hottie.
* Any metal penetrating eyebrows, lips, noses, and anything normally concealed by clothing my God does your mother know about that thing??!!??
* That crazy, "electrified rotelle pasta"/Buckwheat hairdo that is popular among so many young Black males in the Red Star's mugshots section. The hairdo obviously stresses the brain and causes one to commit crimes.
* Dreadlocks on White people. They're dirty, they smell, and you ain't from dee islands, mon.
* Shaving your head if you wear glasses, because it makes you look like an alien
* Riding your bicycle AGAINST traffic because it proves you're stupid
I am always open to suggested items to include on the "Emperor Common Doesn't Like This" list. A good rule of thumb is that men will be required to dress like Ward Cleaver or John Wayne in "The Quiet Man." (You may dress like John Wayne in "The Searchers," but you will be required to demonstrate your equestrian skills.)
Hot babes are allowed to wear anything they want to as long as they don't have metal sticking out of their body any place other than their ears. It's for your own good - NC is second in lightning strikes every year. If you're not a hot babe you can have pierced ears, but how you dress doesn't matter. No one notices.
I am certain that after I solve the financial problems of this country and insure our national security, these minor dress code rquirements will be a small price to pay. Plus, when I die you can all go back to dressing like freaks again.
REMINDER: All of you who are about to tell me about how comfortable your girlie clogs are, or how much your boyfriend loves your nipple ring, remember that the Emperor WILL have the ability to hunt you down. I simply promise Scott or Kevin "Minister of Public Information (and WE will decide what you need to know) and all your info is given to the Emperor. Best to clean up your act now!
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