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Watched a lot of TV over the years too did ya?

"First thing I would do is call 911 and wait for a detective to come take a report. Then I would call my Principal to see what sort of insurance the school carries for teachers' personal property, such as an ipod filled with vulgar rap music. Then I would wait for the authorities to do their job."

Suuuuure. A detective will come. Mmmhmmm. An honest to God detective. Two of them actually. The more senior guy will wear a bad suit and grumble about how the Captain is bustin' his chops because he's gettin' da heat from da boys downtown over this Ipod because the press has been snoopin' around. He'll even show you his cool badge that flips out from a leather carrying case and if the gods smile upon you: he'll let you sit in his unmarked car and put the little light on top. His younger partner, who doesn't play by anyone's rules and does things the unconventional way, will have a great haircut, a blistering wit and he'll wear a white t-shirt that's two sizes too small and constantly crosses his arms so you get a great view of the gun show. Oh yeah, they'll take a report alright. Then they'll skillfully interview and use mental acrobatics to get critical information out of the crafty special kids. The detectives will confront a criminal mastermind who fronts stolen goods, track down some of said mastermind's runners, go on a wild chase that involves a crash 'em up car chase through downtown, somehow find themselves hanging off a helicopter skid, dropping onto a building, jumping from rooftop to rooftop and finally, falling through a roof into some rather elegant event. When they stand up battered and bleeding as people look on in shock, the senior detective will utter whatever his trademark catch phrase is, such as: "I'm gettin' too old for this sh*t" as he pulls your scratched and dirty Ipod from his pocket. The young detective will bring you the Ipod while heading out for a date that evening with his super model girlfriend. At some point, Mayor Saffo will give them the key to the city. That's how they roll.

What will really happen is the 911 dispatcher will wonder why people call 911 for an Ipod and not call the police non-emergency number. An overworked uniformed officer who has waaaay too many calls to answer in a given shift to be dealing with a stolen Ipod will take a report but you'll never see your Ipod again. He might even tell you sorry about all of the very personal content, such as videos & images (why do you assume the black teacher had vulgar rap music?) that are likely already on the kid's Facebook pages. I had a car that was hit in a parking lot and the a-hole left some minor damage. The officer called me to take the report, we both realized there were no security cameras where this occurred, he admitted they'll never find anyone and mailed me a copy for my insurance. I appreciated his honesty and for not wasting my time and his own publicly funded time. That's what the authorities will likely do for your Ipod. It's all they can do for such a low dollar item. And I really wanted to meet a detective.

But if you had gone to Principal Belding about that insurance, he'd try to contain his laughter as walks away to scold Zack for some of his unrelated antics and see if that mischievous blonde stud might have stolen the Ipod and traded it to an unknowing and trusting Screech for doing one night's homework. Oh! Ask Principal Belding if you can meet his cool brother Rod and maybe, just maybe, go on a rafting trip!?

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