Troubleshooters: Costs associated with custody battles

Telling lies about another parent in order to create a favorable outcome for ones self and distributing these false allegations creates far worse consequences for every member of a family. Not only does telling lies about the other parent create devastating effects for the person being lied about, but most importantly it greatly harms the children who then become victims to the narcissistic behavior of the lying parent. If the fabrications created by the lying parent continue, the victimized children are torn apart and separated from his or her right to love both parents freely. Long term affects such as mistrust in relationships and learned narcissistic behavior may then follow these children into their adult lives. As a step-mother who raised three stepchildren from their early childhood, I have been a targeted parent of vicious lies and constant scrutiny by the children’s birthmother. Because my husband had physical custody of his three children, when I married him, I took on the responsibilities of raising the children. During the early years of our lives together, my three stepchildren and I had a wonderful relationship filled with love and laughter. A couple of years into my marriage when the children’s mother decided she wanted to home-school the children against our judgment, lies, deception, and false allegations against my husband and I ensued. Almost overnight, our household went from a close family of togetherness to a complete separation with the children avoiding my husband and I at all times while treating us extremely poorly when engaged. Not only did we catch the children’s birthmother in the act of belittling us behind our backs, we also had an uninitiated admittance from the youngest as to what types of lies their mother was telling them about us, which obviously hurt the youngest deeply. Good parenting consists of the ability to put the children’s comfort and psychological needs first—not putting ones own needs and desires before the children. Good parenting incorporates the ability to not tell lies and not create fabrications about the other parent. It doesn’t matter how much hatred one has for an ex-spouse, it is not ok to denigrate the other parent in the presence of the children. In doing so, it simply destroys the child’s right to love the other parent freely.

We have a constitutional right to be parents supported by the supreme court for over 100 years. Why does it cost so much just to have these basic rights upheld? Are middle class/poor parents not worthy of rights? Why do we need money to be seen as fit parents? Why do the accusers not bear the burden of proof? The courts don't need evidence to take the children away, and basic lack of knowledge of the legal system prevents parents from filing properly?? There is something seriously wrong here........

My husband and I know too well the problems with the system, from false allegations, to bad mouthing him to his children thus destroying his relationship with them; to the high costs to try to fight it. We tried fighting it for over 10 years but because the courts refused to penalize the mother for her constant contempt of court orders, there was nothing left for us to do. The children had been brainwashed into a cult of hatred toward their father and his extended family. But I believe that if the courts would look at the 167 Red Flags I developed in coordination with many victims of this hostile and aggressive divorces, that they would have a tool to prevent this from happening. With enough red flags ticked off on the list, they would know when a parent was headed down the wrong path for their kids sake. In addition, the courts need to start penalize parents who violate court orders. Presently, if the parent has custody of the children, they are never penalized. But if it were the non-custodial parent committing any of these violations, they would be thrown in jail. This is complete disrespect and discrimination when it comes to custody and parenting. On my website, I have a list of penalties to include in a divorce to help ensure that if a parent tries to impede, that the courts have solid remedies to enact. Time is of the essence to stop this type of abuse, where one parent deliberately tries to destroy the relationship with the children and the other parent. The children are not strong enough emotionally and mentally mature enough to handle it and know right from wrong. No matter their age, they are never old enough in one of these type abuse situations to make a proper decision as to what is best for them. Think Jones town or Branch Davidian cults. These were adults who were programmed to believe that what they were doing was right and the only way to do it. Why should it be any different for a youth who is being programmed and brainwashed to hate the other parent? I have so much more to say on this subject, but you will probably find it easier to just read my articles that can be found on my website at www.Klothconsulting.com

My name is Heike Salewski Smith. I am also a divorced parent, having fought for my children for 7 years. With the minor children living in Colorado, specifically Douglas County, I must say that the laws are very confusing and at times very loose in their content. In additions many lawyers will simply take advantage of you, knowing that divorce and parenting time issues are very emotional situations. They will use any tricks, time stalling stunts to increase their money pool, having the court system on their side. When you have a parent that continues to finger point at the other parent,the spot light is on YOU through out the whole process and things get very ugly. All in a sudden you are not only fighting for your basic parental rights but also fighting for your name, integrity and your reputation as responsible parent. Thanks to our family court system and the so called "in the best interest of the child", the doors are wide open for floods of wrongful accusations and simple misery, emotionally and financially, to be inflicted by the opposing parent and their representing counsel. Without legal representation your are fair game and extremely vulnerable. "You are guilty until proven innocent!"

I'm a father that practicly raised his daughter while my ex was "finding herself." Then when I started a new job and found myself a new girlfriend I also found myself being accused of molesting my daughter. This was 2003, because of this I lost nearly all of my visitation rights. Then in 2005 I was accused again and this time I demanded a polygraph test to show my innocents. I past this test with no doubt, but because she had an attorney we went to court and before the test she got me to have supervised visits. The 2 times she did this she was given an attorney from the county but I was unable to afford one since I was already being hit with child support that was making me live practicaly in poverty. The system is set up to help the "victim" but when the truth comes out that they aren't "victim's" it cost those that were hit once with the system to much to be able to fight. Lawyers are the ones to blame for this. If there wasn't lawyers we wouldn't need lawyers. Pam is a great friend and she has assisted me with so many of the issues I'm dealing with. I pray Alliance for Single Parents helps as many out there that need it and the cost is just a fraction of what you will pay for an attorney or for not having an attorney. This is an epidemic that has to be stopped!

Boy oh boy, can I ever related to this poor guy! I'm a mother who's also dealing with a vindictive ex like this. I haven't seen my son in three years and two months. Once the Family courts bled me of my home and $30,000.00 to teach me how the system really works, I had no choice but to go pro se and confusing is not the only word for it. I can think of many words to associate with this story. Corruption, unjust, cash cow, cruel... and those are the really nice words! Something needs to be done about this. It's our children who are suffering the most and nobody seems to care in the Family Court system.