WRIGHTSVILLE BEACH (THE FOLLOWING LOST-AND-FOUND AD WAS POSTED THIS WEEK ON CRAIGSLIST.COM) — I spent yesterday morning frolicking in the waves of the Atlantic Ocean at Wrightsville Beach. While toweling off my Phelps-like physique, I discovered a ring lying in the sand near the Crystal Pier.
This ring is obviosuly special. It’s not special in a way that requires me to return it to Mordor to defeat Sauron and all of that crap, but it’s still special in its own unique way.
The ring is silver with the words “Brittney Marie” etched into the band. There is a large purple gemstone set in the middle of the band. I’m not a gemologist and I don’t play one on TV, so I have no friggin’ clue what kind of stone it is.
My initial reaction was to take the ring to Flash Cash Jewelry & Pawn on Dawson Street and then head STRAIGHT to Pure Gold strip club to take in the Wilmington Ballet. I WOULD MAKE IT RAIN AT PURE GOLD. And just as I was making it rain, the Karma Gods would strike down on me with great vengeance and furious anger.
The strip club DJ would tee up a Mötley Crüe song–because strip club DJs ALWAYS play Mötley Crüe songs–and introduce the next dancer.
DJ: “Gentlemen, please welcome to the stage…Brittney Marie!”
ME: “OH S**T.”
And while it’s unlikely Brittney Marie is her real name, it would still freak me out. Even worse, it could be her stage name and some creepy customer who excels in hand-to-gland combat gave her that ring. Because NOTHING is creepier than some dude … giving a stripper a ring with her stripper name engraved on it. That’s some BTK s**t right there.
This is how the Karma Gods work. And I don’t want any part of it.
That’s why I posted this on Craigslist. If this is your ring, send me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I will mail it to you. I’ll even pay for the postage. If this is NOT your ring and you send me an email claiming it IS your ring, you will be (messing) with an indomitable force that will hunt you down and stab you in the heart.
CLICK HERE TO READ AN UNEDITED VERSION OF THE POST(WARNING: SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC)- http://wilmington.craigslist.org/laf/3202336254.html