Finding joy in memory: Valentine’s Day without a loved one

WILMINGTON, NC (WWAY) –Valentine’s Day can stir up emotions we don’t always expect, serving as a reminder that being loved sometimes outweighs the feeling of no longer having that love. For those who have lost someone special, it can be a day full of mixed emotions—grief, nostalgia, and, for some, even joy in remembering the love that once was.

Jeff Phillips’ husband, Andy Estal, died nearly four years ago after a three-year battle with colorectal cancer. Reflecting on their life together, Jeff shares the bond they had.

“Oh, you and Andy, are you as in love as we think you are?“ someone once asked. Jeff’s response was simple:
“Yeah, we aren’t perfect, but we were perfect for each other.”

The two met in 2010 at a Christmas cabaret party. What started as a first date quickly grew into a lifelong partnership. Jeff describes their time together as nothing short of wonderful.

“He was someone who saw me for who I am—not who I thought I should be. Loved me in spite of all my faults. He was the great love of my life,” Jeff says.

On a day like Valentine’s Day, many would expect Jeff to feel empty or sad. But for him, it’s quite the opposite.

“If I see a couple at dinner, laughing and having a good time, I think back to those moments. I remember those times with Andy, and the good memories pop up. It’s not sadness, it’s nostalgia—a joy in remembering,” he explains.

Even the smallest, most unexpected reminders of Andy continue to make their way into Jeff’s daily life. Like today, when a simple action brought him back to his husband’s memory.

A Memory in Every Drop

For Jeff, a small ritual, like using the last drop of shampoo, is a reminder of the lasting presence Andy still holds in his life.

“It just made me sort of giggle because even now, I’ll make sure to add water to the shampoo bottle and use every drop before I toss it out. It’s just one of those little things, but it’s a reminder that people come into our lives and leave their mark on us,” Jeff shares.

Through the grief, Jeff has learned the importance of staying present. After all, it’s not about ignoring the pain, but about finding a way to live in the moment, even while carrying that love with you.

“I know it’s just a made-up day, but it’s also a day that asks you, ‘Where are you in your relationship? Where do you want to be?’ And, looking back at where I’ve been, it’s also about asking, ‘How do you want to remember it?'”

Grief Expert’s Advice: Honoring Love After Loss

To help navigate a day like Valentine’s Day, I spoke with Erika Geisler, a local psychiatrist, who offered some advice on how to honor the memory of a lost loved one. She suggests that writing a letter to your loved one or engaging in an activity you both once enjoyed can be a meaningful way to make the day feel a little lighter, helping to ease the heaviness of grief.